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"Will I lose all the hair on my body?" I asked.
"Yes."
I never realized how many hairs I had until I lost them!
(Bald is Great Because........You can ride in a convertible and not worry about snarls.)
There are some advantages to hair loss, you don't have to shave your armpits or legs and you don't have to wash or comb your hair.
(Bald is Great Because.......You can walk in the rain and only your friends look like drowned rats.)
But there are a few disadvantages too, like the loss of nose hairs. When you lose your nose hairs, your nose both dries out and drips!
A nurse in the hospital gave me some moisturizer that is commonly used for dry mouth which can accompany chemo. She suggested I put some in my nose to relieve the dryness. I did, it liquified, I almost drowned.
(Bald is Great Because........You can hug your kids when they come home from school with lice.)
When I was bald I got a chill from the breeze made by a person walking by me. My arms were smooth. My eyebrows and eyelashed nearly disappeared so more things fell in my eyes. I didn't need electrolysis. And, yes, that hair thins too!
(Bald is Great Because........you don't have to worry about split ends.)
The only thing I had known about how one loses one's hair was from my ex-husband's experience.
"I wonder how one loses ones hair," I mused to my daughter.
"It all comes out at once."
"How do you know?"
"One day Daddy's shirt was full of hair."
(Bald is Great Because........you don't have to worry about being dragged off by cavemen.)
How will I go bald? Will the chemotherapy I had two weeks ago make my hair fall out all at once? Will it come out in clumps or evenly? Will I get bald spots that grow to encompass my head or will my hair thin until it is no more?
For three days my hair falls out steadily. It showers around me every time I move. My head itches like crazy. I feel as if I'm wearing a prickly wool hat that covers my head like a warm thick mat. I walk outside and a puff of wind cools my scalp as it blows under patches of hair. I expect to see large tufts blow down the road like tumbleweeds.
I go back inside and look in the mirror. I look awful, I have a bunch of matted hair on top of my head with clumps dangling off the ends. I try to comb it - the comb fills up with each pass. I use a pick - it too gets full. I think the only thing keeping any hair on my head is static electricity.
I debate whether or not to wash it. Which would be better - clean thin hair or matted thicker hair? I decide that clean and thin is better so I wash it. I'm afraid to look in the mirror. I blot my hair dry but still can't look. My head is itchy, the towel hairy.
I finally look. I still have hair but there are round bald spots about the size of quarters over my ears. Bald spots over my ears? What am I to do? Would my narrow silk scarf hide them? I tie it on and it covers the bald places perfectly.
Three weeks after treatment....
Something itchy on my face is driving me crazy. I turn the pillow over and go back to sleep.
I wake up and sleepily try to brush the itchiness off my face. I turn over the pillow but it's hairy on the other side too. It looks like a brown long haired cat has been sleeping there. What time is it? midnight. I put on a clean blue pillowcase and go back to sleep.
Didn't I change the pillowcase a little while ago? I couldn't have because it's so prickly - I must have dreamed I did. What time is it?" Twelve-thirty. I look at my pillow. How did the blue pillowcase get on the pillow? I must have changed it - it wasn't a dream. I turn the pillow over and doze off.
I feel like I'm sleeping on a thousand needles. It's only one o'clock. There's hair up my nose, down my throat, in my ears, in my eyes, on my neck, down my pjs..... I can't keep changing the pillowcase every half-hour.
I wander out to the kitchen exhausted. I could cover the pillow with paper towels. I wearily pick up the roll, make a stack of double towels and place the first two on my pillow.
In the morning there's hair all over the apartment. I'm fatigued from being up every half-hour. I iron a shirt - there's hair on the ironing board. I pour a bowl of cereal - there's hair in the cereal. I wash the dishes - there's hair in the glasses. The pillows, the couch, my coat, my pj's, the floors, the rugs, the bed, the kitchen counters, the bathroom - everything is covered with hair.
Maybe if I really scrub it in the shower it will all come off. I get in the shower and wash everything but my hair. I'm still scared to wash it. Why am I afraid toget rid of it? I want it to either stay on and look presentable or to all be off. Presentable is no longer a real possibility - certainly not for any length of time. But will it all come off?
I put a dab of shampoo on my hands and touch my hair. My hands immediately become matted. I can't see them for all the hair. When I close my hands it feels like I'm squeezing a thick wet sweater. I rinse them off and touch my head. Matted. I rinse my hands again. The drain is clogged. Hair swirls around my ankles as the tub fills. I let the water run thought my hair to rinse out the shampoo and the color of the water turns from clear to hair-brown. My feet look like furry bear paws when I step out of the tub.
I look in the mirror. The bald spots over my ears have grown - they're still round, just much bigger. There's a new one on the top of my head - it's round too. I can't see the back of my head but the hair there feels very thin. A hat might work for a day or two but I won't spend another night like last night.
I walk downstairs to the kitchen. There's a mirror over the sink. I comb through my hair with my pick. I now have another small bald spot. Hmm... this could be interesting. I toss the clump in the trash amd run my fingers through my hair. Volumes of hair stay between them. I run my fingeres through it again and again. I get the trash can - I'm sick of walking back and forth to it.
The reflection in the mirror changes. Slowly my scalp appears on the right side. I run my fingers through my hair over and over and over. The change is fascinating. I can't stop. I'm mesmerized.
The trash is overflowing. The floor is covered. The sink is full, I start on the left side. Over and over I run my fingers through my hair. The shape of my head starts to show. I comb through the hairs on the top and back of my head. I'm addicted and wish I had an instant replay button so I could start over. More and more hair comes out. What has been holding it on? Why didn't it all just fall off like a wig?
Suddenly there's a bald headed person in the mirror.
Downy hairs cover large areas of my head and there are long strands scattered all over. I can't possibly walk around looking like this. I'll have to shave off the remaining bits and pieces.
My daughter helps me shave. She isn't effective because she's afraid she'll cut me if she pushes hard. The long hairs clog the safety razor. I finally manage to get everything off above my forehead, but it just accentuates the hairs that are left. Some parts of my head are now clean shaven, other areas are tufted. The more I shave, the worse the contrast.
I go to a hairdresser to get clipped, even the hairdresser leaves a few isolated hairs two small patches of stubble. Once again I shave my head. This time no hair remains.
My hair is finally all gone. I've never seen a totally bald woman before. My scalp is baby soft and pink. It feels good - warm, smoooth and velvety. I've never really noticed my ears before - they're much more delicate than I'd imagined. As I look at the stranger in the mirror I realize I can't stand the thought of wearing a wig or a hat.
This is me now.
Judy Watson wrote: I keep asking myself why the *no hair* is so hard. Every time I look into my reflection whether in a mirror or the eyes of others, I see the undeniable manifestion that I have come to associate with CANCER and sickness, and DEATH. Dressing it up with a wig, putting on a scarf or hat, only dresses up the facts. I still feel it and know I am still the exact same way just hidden. The hair and the losing the breast in a short window of time is hard to deal with. No matter what everyone says, the fact remains, cold hard and quite real, you have had cancer and you have the physical manifestations to remind you constantly.
Please email me your hair loss story. What did you do? Vacuum it off? Buzz cut it prior to losing it? What would you do differently? What do you wish you had known? Please send me a paragraph or two so I can add it to this page.
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