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It was 3-1/2 years ago that Kiley was diagnosed with breast cancer, bad news she'd been expecting since the death of her 52-year-old father from cancer.
"The cancer was always there in my mind," Kiley said. "People had always said I was a carbon copy of him growing up. And when they told me I had cancer, I was just very complacent. I thought, 'Oh, so this is the cancer I was destined to get.'"
There was guilt. ("Maybe someday I'd be passing it on to my daughters."). And there were a lot of unknowns.
For support, Kiley didn't want to completely burden her family. And when a local support group wasn't for her ("a lot of women feeling sorry for themselves"), Kiley turned to her computer and subscribed to a low-profile support group through an Internet site.
Such groups require a user to subscribe. Once done, a barrage of emalis follow, sometimes hundreds per day.
Kiley wasn't expecting much. But to this day, Kiley said, signing up was the best thing she has ever done.
"It was overwhelming at first," she said. "It just completely blew my mind."
She found intelligent women sharing their fears and anxieties. She found poeple debating remedies and offering advice. And even though she came home from work at 11 p.m., her computer still allowed her to reach out.
"With this, at 3 in the morning you can just sit down and pound all your fear and anger into the computer," she said. "And when you woke up, people had replied."
"It definitely filled an emotional need for the support and the sharing."
So much so that the women decided to get together. The first stop was Chicago.
In the hotel elevator, a nervous Kiley was tapped on the shoulder. Kiley looked down at the pink ribbon pinned to her chest as the woman introduced herself by saying: "I'll bet I know you."
Her name was Barb Pender, and Kiley and she have since become fast friends. During another gathering in Nashville, Pender flew in from San Diego and Kiley from Boston. What originated as a local gathering ended up with six local breast cancer survivors and 40 out-of-towners.
The group gets together to listen to experts, talk among themselves, and enjoy the company. Some of Kiley's closest frineds are now from the Internet support group.
"I never expected to gain this from breast cancer," she said. "A lot of us have talked about if we'd give this up - if you could redo your life and not get breast cancer. And just about everyone says they wouldn't change a thing. I would live these last three years exactly the same for all the friends I've made and the appreciation of life it's given me. I joke on-line that I don't know what I did for a social life before I had breast cancer."
The group lost 21 members to the disease last year. Kiley, 53, has been in remission for about two years. Her friend, Pender, has been less lucky. Cancer has spread to her lungs and brain. She now uses a wheelchair to get around.
Kiley is planning a trip to San Diego soon after Pender expressed a desire to participate in a local race for breast cancer research in her wheelchair. "We're going to decorate it somehow," Kiley said. "Something like the Queen of Sheba or something. We just want to created some happy memories."
About a year ago, Pender sent the group a note. They were looking for a symbol to express their unity. And Pender had found it in the V-formation and teamwork of geese.
Flying in a V-formation allows the birds to fly farther than if they flew alone. And when a goose falls out of formation, two geese follow it down and lend help and protection. Until the fallen goose flies again or dies the two others stay with it.
Pender in turn designed a T-shirt showing several geese in formation, with the lead bird holding a pink ribbon in its beak.
"It was perfect," Kiley said. "When we saw it, we said that's us."
To commemorate her friend and the group, Kiley got a tattoo of the single goose with the ribbon.
"A tattoo reflects who you are," she said, "and this is who I am."
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There was a misunderstanding in the interview, Barb Pender was doing quite well, was not confined to a wheelchair, and intended to walk the race. - Bert
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